Top Shelf Read online

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  "I didn't understand didley-shit!" Conductor said. And why ain't Neil told about hisself!" Conductor pointed, "Speak up fella!"

  "We were on our way home from the county fair.," Neil said. "Two young drunks in a fast car drove us off the road. I got our car out of the ditch and started deriving again. They came back and chased us sideswiping our car on the right side into the center divider. Our car flipped on its roof and skidded fifty yards into a tree on the opposite side of the road." The bottle slipped from Neil's hand. "There was blood in my eyes. It came from my four year old daughter. Her head was through the windshield and her throat spurted blood all over. I crawled out to find Kathy and our son.. Kathy was sitting on the ground in front of the car with our son in her lap. She was trying to scoop up his brains back into the top of his head." Neil picked up the bottle took another drink and said, "I heard laughter. The two drunks stopped their car and sat fifty feet away laughing and drinking like we are."

  "Sweet Jesus!"

  "Sit up fella'!" Top Shelf said to Neil. "An I tell you an the others how I got down here."

  "An' you pay attention," Conductor said.

  "The fate-full occurrence which sent me onto the street," Top Shelf said began when this high class, sweet lipped, stump jumper of a preacher come to town for a prayer meetin'. Mama dragged me to hear whoever was talkin'. Now Mama was a bit short for her size so we always stood in the front. Mama was a bit heavy too. Her head was sort of flat on top an sunk down between her shoulders. My Daddy said it were good for standing his beer glass on. Well this day the power of the Lord came into this preacher. He got to sermonizing somethin' fierce. We people were prayin' alwful hard an the gospel was getting' to everyone. That fire-eatin' Bible thumper forgot where he was an hopped up on Mama's head thinkin' it were a tree stump. He started shoutin'' bout our sins an' how we goin' to hell. We all knew that an were getting bored when his feet slip offa Mama's head and down onto her shoulders. His pants ripped open in the crotch. Mama looked up an made that fateful mistake. She shouted, "Preacher, you the best hung man in the county!" The ladies in the crowd got excited cause they know Mama is truthful and has lots of experience. The ladies rush for the preacher an' trample my poor Mama into the ground!" Top Shelf mugged a face at each man and laughed, "That's how I got here on the street because of that fateful incident!"

  "Goin' to be another fateful incident!" Sharkey said, pushing his way through the bushes and into the square. Hoey followed. Both men grabbed partially eaten sandwiches from Deacon, Conductor and took Neil's bottle.

  Hoey demanded, "Where'd you get the food?"

  Everyone stared at the ground. "You all deaf and dumb?" Sharkey demanded.

  "You always steal our stuff," Conductor said.

  "Where did the money come from?" Hoey repeated.

  "We herited the money," Top Shelf said.

  "From who?" Hoey demanded.

  "My uncle," Top Shelf said. "He lives in the Sitzerland Mountains. He died and then mailed the stuff to me an my friends."

  Sharkey moved threatenly close to Top shelf saying, "Hoey an' me, we're your friends. Ain't we?"

  "Sweet Jesus, the Lord be praised, both your souls are going to Hades!"

  "Answer me!" Sharkey growled to Top Shelf, "Ain't we your friends?"

  Top Shelf picked up the guitar and sang:

  Sharkey, you ain't no friend of mine,

  You take our booze an leave the jug behind.

  Sharkey, you like a railroad train,

  You steal our money an come back again.

  Sharkey, you are goin to hell.

  "The Deacon says so, an I think that's swell!

  Sweet Jesus!"

  Sharkey pulled his knife and pointed at Deacon, "Listen up preacher man while Hoey an me sing you a song. The two big men stood side by side their arms over each others shoulders and sang:

  "Oh the Deacon went down, to the church to pray,

  He heard her confession, and they rolled in the hay,

  We aint gonna greet the Lord no more.

  Oh Saint Peter's mad, and we are glad,

  The Pope took the collar that you had." The two moved in front of Doc, You can't get to heaven in a Cadillac, cause the Virginia Police, will send you back."

  They stood in front of Conductor, "Oh you can't get to heaven when you got no brains, Cause you can't find those Holy Lanes. They looked down at Top Shelf, "There's a lot of grief comin' to Top Shelf, That's for sure, cause we'll do it our self. An there's one more thing," They point at Neil, "We forgot to tell, this here kid, is stayin' here in hell. There's one more thing we forgot to tell this young kid is stayin' here in hell, we ain't goin' to greet out Lord no more!"

  Sharkey brandished the butcher knife in the faces of those seated under the statue. "Where's the money?"

  "Sharkey," Top shelf said, "I don't understand you. I defend your reputation and you wave that pig sticker at me."

  "Who said something about me?"

  A couple a fellas, One said you ain't fit to eat wit' pigs. I said you were so. The other bloke said you stunk. An I said, Like shit he does!"

  "What's a bloke?" Hoey asked.

  Sharkey reached down, grabbed a handful of Top shelf's raincoat and shoved the knife point against his throat. "You got a bad mouth! I know you like a little squirrel hiding stuff around. Where is the money?"

  Unfortunately I made some bad financial investments," Top Shelf said.

  "Cut him!" Hoey shouted.

  "That's worth somthin'!" Sharkey pointed to the guitar. Neil immediately grabbed it saying, "It's mine."

  "Belongs to the kid," Conductor said.

  "Sharkey," Doc asked. "How come you so interested in music?"

  "You people made money playing that guitar," Hoey said.

  "Where is the money?" Sharkey demanded.

  "None of your business!" Conductor said.

  "Give me that git-fiddle!" Sharkey demanded and let go of Top Shelf.

  "The hell I will!" Neil said.

  "Leave the kid alone," Doc said.

  "Touch that boy an' you have to deal wit' me!" Top Shelf said and struggled to his feet.

  Sharkey smiled, lunged at Top shelf with the knife. The little man jumped back and fell on the ground. Sharkey advanced on Neil, who put the guitar on a bench behind him and raised his fists.

  He took boxing lessons from Deacon," Hoey said.

  Doc struggled to his feet and stepped between Sharkey and Neil. Before he could say a word Sharkey punched the old man on the side of the head knocking him to the ground. Neil leaned over to help Doc. Sharkey hit Neil behind the ear with the knife handle and grabbed the guitar.

  "Help the kid," Top Shelf shouted. Conductor threw a punch in Sharkey's direction that missed by two feet. Neil collapsed on top of Doc. Deacon started to rise from his box until Hoey broke one of the thick whisky bottles over his head. He sank back into the box smiling, "Sweet, sweet Jesus!"

  "Sharkey bent to pick up the guitar. Top Shelf leapt on his back and bit his ear"

  "Ooowww!"Sharkey howled and shook Top Shelf off onto the ground. He kicked him, "You ain't no Mike Tyson. Hoey, come here and help me debrief this sorry bucket of shit!"

  The two men stripped Top Shelf and took his clothes. "Nothing in the shoes!" Hoey said, throwing them to the ground.

  "We can hock this guitar." Sharkey said.

  Neil got to his knees and pleaded with Sharkey, "Please don't take the guitar. It belonged to my wife."

  Deacon shook off the effects of the blow to his head, jumped up from his box swinging. He caught Hoey with a left hook to the liver and he dropped to his knees. Deacon threw a solid right cross to Sharkey's ribs. The big man grunted in pain and broke the guitar over Deacon's bald head.

  "Neil collapsed screaming, "NOOOOoooooo!"

  Deacon smiled and returned to his box.

  Donkey Ryan's comin'!" Doc shouted.

  "Sharkey grabbed a half eaten sandwiches and another bottle of whisky, "Hoey, you take his cl
othes. We'll search them later." They disappeared into the night.

  Conductor pointed to Top Shelf standing naked in the middle of the square. "Donkey Ryan see you like that you get arrested for sposure!"

  Doc picked up the baseball cap and threw it to Top Shelf who caught it and said, "This don't cover what's exposed. "

  "I lied," Doc said, "Donkey Ryan ain't comin'. But you still need pants." He pointed at Conductor; "You got a long sleeve sweater on under your that jacket, Give it to the man." He pointed to Top Shelf."

  "For what?"

  "For pants," Doc said. "He puts his legs in the sleeves."

  "Doc!" Top Shelf said. "You a great innovator."

  Conductor stripped his jacket took off his sweater and asked Top Shelf, "What you goin' to do about where there neck is open?"

  Top Shelf looked down between his legs and shook his head, "If the ladies look up there I be dead like that stump jumpin' preacher my Mama killed.

  "I doubt it," Doc said. This sweater be a temporary situation to a embarrassing situation."

  "Sweet Jesus," Deacon said, "The kid's guitar is broke and he's lost hope." Neil sat with the fragments of the guitar and tangle of broken strings in his lap.

  "You look like a ballerina," Doc said, pointing at the tight fitting sweater on Top Shelf's spindly legs.

  "I look like that Russian Bull Shit Ballet." Top Shelf pirouetted. "That Sharkey is one big a-bys-mal dog."

  "Sharkey better watch out!" Conductor said. "I whack him so hard under the head he wake up in the middle a next week."

  "Never wisht' a man dead," Doc said, "But that Sharkey comin' close."

  "Sweet Jesus, in this world of trouble and sin. Sometimes lonesome sometimes grim. Skies turn blue and hope anew, to brighten our souls when we are with You.

  "The