Top Shelf Page 6

said. "those furry beasts are crawlin up an down my dried out throat."

  "Tell the Kid about yourself," Top Shelf said. "Take your mind off a the beasts. I'll get the booze."

  "That's a lot of money we collected," Neil said.

  "It's a mighty unusual amount," Doc said, "could be dangerous. He pointed at the guitar. "That brought us luck."

  "Didn't help my wife and kids. What's dangerous about the money?"

  There's lots a people like Sharkey an Hoey who'd cut your heart out for less. Getting worse with crazies like you comin' round."

  "I ain't crazy!"

  "Why were you in the Veteran's nut house?"

  "I admitted to attempted murder. The jury said it was temporary insanity."

  "Who'd you try an kill?"

  "I heard Top shelf tell you to talk about yourself."

  "Ain't much for an old buzzard like me to say. But Deacon sittin' in his throne box got a story worth hearin'."

  "Why do they call you Doc?"

  My family was free before Lincoln said so. Most were professionals. My mothers was a teacher and father a dentist. I became a veterinarian. Had a good business and drove a new Cadillac. Virginia police kept thinking' I stole it. "

  "How did you end up on the waterfront?"

  "It were my genes," I thought I knew a lot about genes.

  "Sweet Jesus!"

  "My father, two brothers and grandparents on both sides died at forty-five years old. This absolute fact dawned on me when I was forty-four. I said to my self, "Self, if you only got a year to live, let's have a ball."

  "Sweet, sweet Jesus!"

  "Sold the veterinarian business, cashed in my life insurance, took all the money outa the bank, kissed the wife and kids goodbye. I hit Florida for the ponies, Vegas gambling, New York and Atlantic City for both. Ran outa money when I was forty-seven. Started hittin' the bottle, then the bottle hit me. I'm on the wrong side of sixty. Somethin' wrong with my genes. I shoulda' died years ago."

  "Sweet Jesus! Could be a stranger got into your granny's knickers, and that's why your here with us?

  " Deacon knows a lot about stuff," Doc said. "He's a defrocked priest."

  "Looks more like a punch drunk fighter," Neil said.

  The Deacon is a complicated puppy. Deacon! You tell the kid about yourself. Top shelf said you get nothin' to drink unless you do!"

  Deacon tenses in his cardboard throne. His fist clench and his head shrinks down between his shoulders.

  "It's a good deed! Doc said. "You need them good deeds for judgment day. An it will be a long time between drinks if you don't

  Deacon began the recitation in rapid but clear cadenced voice.

  "Sweet Jesus, she was so beautiful. I was her confessor. She told me her sinful fantasies. They became mine. I encouraged her to bare her soul. Then I bared her breasts. Her dress was up. My penis was up. The custodian entered. He slammed the pew with is hand shouting, "Sweet Jesus! Sweet, Sweet Jesus, Father, there ain't no harm in it! There ain't no harm in it!"

  They heard him in the church, they heard him in the rectory, they heard it out in the street. Her dress came down, my penis came down and I took off my collar."

  "You were defrocked?"

  "He was almost de-cocked," Doc said. "She was married to a gangster."

  "Is that how his face got all beat up?"

  "Naw, He went boxin' to punish himself. His manager called him Animal. Shoulda' called him The Punchin' Bag." The more you hit him the happier he is."

  "I have returned!" Top Shelf sang out. He appeared with an arm load of bottles. Doc took one but couldn't open it. "Let me help you," Neil said. He twisted off the cap and said, "This ain't wine?"

  "It's called polite whiskey," Top Shelf said. "It's got a label and don't bite back."

  Here comes Conductor." Neil said. "But those ain't pizzas?"

  "Sometimes Conductor got shit for brains," Doc said. "He bought Hero sandwiches an there ain't ten good teeth between the four of us!"

  "Goin to be tough chewin!" Top Shelf said.

  "We take off the tops," Conductor said. "then scoop out the soft stuff."

  "That's a plan," Doc said. "First, let's drink to Top Shelf and Neil for his guitar."

  Top Shelf distributed a bottle to each of the five men. He raised his bottle in a toast, "Here's to forgettin' yesterday, no dreams tonight, an sunshine tomorrow!" The men sat in a circle on the ground under the figure of Charlie Chaplin. They ate and drank in silence for some time. Conductor's arm slipped on the grass and he rolled onto his side.

  "You in a stuporous way," Doc said.

  "I was a tough fella' onct'," Conductor said and sat up. "I was one of the few black paratroopers. First black uniformed trainman in this whole United States."

  "I always loved trains," Neil said. "Did you really work on them?"

  "Hell yes, freight and passenger trains all over Long Island." I was king of Railroad Row."

  "What's that?" Neil asked.

  "It was the elite street in Harlem," Doc said. "All the porters, baggagemen and bar- men working for the Pennsylvania, Central and New York Railroads lived there.

  "I was the only conductor." Conductor smiled as the memories poured back. "Come payday, I strut down the street wit' my paycheck stickin' outa my high pocket." He slapped his left breast. "My uniform was pressed," brass buttons shinin''. The good ladies hangin' outa' their windows sayin', "OOOOeee. Ain't he smart! I'd put my shoes under his bed." But I pay no attention to them! No sir! Pay night my wife be watin' on the front steps all dressed an ready to step out. The baby sitter arranged. an off we go. Those were fine times."

  "What happened?" Neil asked.

  "Maybelline happened," Doc said

  Conductor's head wagged from side to side' "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" he said. Maybelline come struttin' an sleazing up to me sayin, " Do you want it? Do you want it?" I want it but I say, "I don't want it! I don't want it!" I love my wife but that Maybelline she are fat an fine!" But she keep sayin, "Do you want it?" "Hell yes I want it. I want all of it!" He raised the bottle, took a long drink and threw the empty into the bushes.

  "What happened?" Neil asked.

  "My wife cracked my head wit' a hot iron." He removed the old conductor's hat to show a jagged scar on his head. "I was one of the first black paratroopers, the first black uniformed trainman and the first black asshole on Railroad-Row makin' enough money to get his salary attached for alimony. The railroad don't allow attachments. I was fired my wife was hired. Ain't no justice."

  "I don't understand." Neil said, "Did your wife go to work for the railroad?"

  Everyone but Conductor looked away when he answered, "Naw, she had to hire out as a hooker. I never sent her any money. Hard to get the memories to my mouth wit' out somthin' to float them on."

  Top Shelf passed his bottle to Conductor and said, ""Getting' mighty dreary here. Doc, you tell Neil about bein' a sanitary engineer."

  "It was when I was an employee in the Astor Hotel shit-house," Doc said. I specialized in bowl, toilet and sink bowls."

  "Tell him why you left," Top Shelf said..

  "I was invited by Yale to teach chemistry to Gypsies."

  "Why the hell would Gypsies want to learn chemistry?" Neil asked.

  It's Yale policy to teach everybody somethin' they don't need," doc said. "then they always got answers for questions nobody asks. Makes 'em feel superior.

  Deacons face glowed with the effects of the booze and he sang, "Sweet Sweet Jesus, Cast they bread upon the waters and keep me far from your beautiful daughters."

  "this is good booze," top shelf said taking the bottle back for Conductor. It akes like bottled bear, crawls round your mouth, roars down you throat then hugs your belly nice an' warm." He pointed at Doc, "what's all that noise?"

  Personal problem!"

  "How come your personal problem stinkin up the park," Conductor said.

  'Doc adjusted the taped wire frame glasses onhis nose and said in the most professional tone, "the s
ound what you hear, an the smell wht you smell is caused by violent gastric eruptions of the lower intestinal track."

  Everyone stared at Doc until Conductor asked, "Did he just say he's fartin'? Ain't that what he said?"

  "Sweet Jesus," Deacon sang while raising his bottle, " Here's to the Farter, the Son and the Holy Ghost!"

  "Shut up there fella," Doc said.

  "You such good guys," Top shelf said. I fly you down to Nassau tonight."

  Neil laughed, "doc's got enough gas for the round trip!"

  "Don't you worry," top Shelf said, "We be back Monday morning in time for the stock market."

  "I don't like Nassau," Conductor said.

  Okay," top Shelf said, "I take you to the Congo."

  "I ain't goin' to no Congo," Doc said. "some big, nasty lion bite my ass. They don't like veterinarians."

  "Can you guys get a passport to Sitzerland?" Top Shelf asked.

  Can a bull shit on a mouse," Doc answered.

  "Can a whistlin pig eat pinapples?" Conductor asked.

  "Can a kangaroo piss while it hops? Neil shouted.

  "Deacon," Top Shelf ordered, "These gentlemen a bit confused. Get in your pulpit an give us some phiosophizin'."

  Deacon crawled out of the box, stood it on end so the open end was up and stepped into the box, looked down at his audience and sang in a low sweet voice.

  "Sweet Jesus, The river of life flows gently by,

  Sometimes low and sometimes high.

  Man steps in and out again,

  He wants peace and a pass on sin.

  He wades back into the river raw,

  But it's not the same man who was here before.

  The waters are different the man is too,

  He is quite unsure of what to do.

  He retreats again to the solid bank,

  Only to find he has God to thank."

  Deacon placed his box on the ground and returned to his