Top Shelf Read online

around the square even more waiting for tickets."

  "Lets get 'em, "Top Shelf said and handed his baseball cap to Neil, "You collect cash from the people."

  "Why me?'

  "You look cleaner," Top Shelf said and pushed him from behind the bushes between the park benches into the square. The others followed and sang,

  "Oh it ain't goin' to rain no more no more,

  It ain't goin' to rain no more.

  And how in the heck are you goin' to wash your neck if it ain't goin' to rain no more?

  An old man went out in the storm and by the sewer he died,

  At the coroner's inquest the called it Sewer Side…"

  From behind the statue of Charlie Chaplin dominating the square with bowler hat and cane in hand, appeared a very large policeman. He stopped the group.

  "Oh damn!" Conductor said, "It's Donkey Ryan!"

  "Sharkey told me you bums would be here," The policeman said.

  Neil put the cap with the collected money behind his back and asked, "You Donkey Ryan?" The other four men winced and the policeman grabbed Neil by the shirt front demanding, "Who told you to say that?"

  "I said the wrong thing officer," Neil pleaded.

  Conductor marched up to Neil's side and stated, "We got citizens rights to be here."

  Ignoring Conductor, the policeman released Neil and waved his club, "I want you five out of here. Now!" He shouted.

  Officer Donk…" Conductor stammered I mean policeman Ryan, me and the kid are war veterans!"

  "So what?"

  "That gives us rights!"

  "You're causing a disturbance in a public place and most of all, I don't like bums. So get going and be quick about it!"

  "Officer Ryan" Top Shelf said, "we was just gettin' warmed up. don'tcha' like the music?"

  Doc pushed past Conductor and said, "Even the police can't stop the wheels of progress."

  Donkey Ryan slapped the nightstick in the palm of his left hand, "Wanna' bet!"

  "Sweet Jesus!" Conductor sang.

  "What's wrong with you fella?" Top Shelf demanded wagging his finger in Ryan's face.

  Ryan grabbed the finger and bent it back until Top Shelf was on his knees grimacing in pain, "Social workers say you bums are victims of circumstance, " He raised his club, "This is the biggest circumstance you'll find in my park. You're loitering! Get gone!"

  Top Shelf struggled to his feet, pointed to the people sitting on the benches and waiting on line for tickets, "They're loitering too!"

  "And how do the law which is legal figure that?" Conductor asked"That's right," Neil said.

  "I'm the law," Ryan twirled his nightstick. "I figure that with this club." He gave Top Shelf a light tap on the head.

  "Sweet Jesus," Deacon pushed forward,pulled his hood back, bent his bald head and said, "Hit me first!"

  "I… I think we better leave the area," Conductor said.

  Doc edged his way between Top Shelf and Deacon saying, " Officer Donk, that victim of circumstance is leger-dee-main. It ain't got codified yet!"

  "I'll codify your ass," Ryan threatened him. "Now get out of here!"

  "Let me explain," Top Shelf said. "The indirect cause of my problem is bein' a little guy with a big mouth. My mouth says things by itself. I pologize for my mouth." Top Shelf tweaks his own lips and says, "Mouth apologize." He takes his hand away and in a high squeaky voice says, "I apologize!"

  Ryan pushes Top shelf in the chest with the blunt point of his club, "I hit you and they sue me for scattering garbage."

  "I used to respect the police," Neil said . "You can't do that!"

  Conductor pulled Neil back saying, "Oh yes he can!" The four men followed Conductor behind the statue of Charlie Chaplin where Neil handed Top shelf ninety cents and the baseball hat.

  "Ninety cents don't buy much booze," Doc said. "What we goin' to do?"

  "We do the Frog Dance!" Top Shelf said and hopped around the back of the statue. "Kid," he buttonholed Neil, "can we get that guitar of yours?"

  "Top Shelf pointed to the ticket office next to the statue, "They'll be lining up for the second show."

  "What about Donkey Ryan?" Neil asked.

  "The kid's right," Conductor said.

  "Sweet sweet Jesus!"

  "That's right Deacon," Top Shelf said. "God's on our side."

  "What about Sharkey and Hoey?" Doc asked.

  "I take care a them;" Top shelf smiled and slapped the air."

  "I can get wine for ninety cents," Conductor said.

  Top Shelf handed over the money, "You and doc get enough to wet our whistle. We'll meet you back here."

  "Where you goin'?" Doc asked.

  "W ith the kid to get his guitar." Points down at Deacon sitting in the box, "Watch the park!"

  "Sweet Jesus!"

  An hour later Neil and Top Shelf returned to sit at the rear of the statue with Deacon. Neil tuned the guitar.

  "Why didn't you sell the git' fiddle?" Top Shelf asked.

  "My wife taught me. It was hers."

  "Where is she now?"

  "The Up-State Mental Hospital. She just lays there in the fetal position."

  "You mean she ain't temporary like you?"

  "Maybe she's got a chance."

  "What happened"

  "At the funeral of our two children she curled up. She's been like that ever since."

  "Was that Jeff and Michelle you were dreaming about?"

  "Yeah! At the grave the Minister said, "God doesn't give man more pain than he can handle." I looked over my children's dead bodies and said, "Reverend, you're full of shit!" Neil wiped away tears with his sleeve.

  "You told it right,!" Top Shelf said.

  "In that state mental hospital there are over twelve thousand patients who can't handle the grief God gave them." Neil strummed the guitar. Deacon opened his mouth to speak but closed it in silence.

  They sat quietly until a sound from the path leading to the square alerted them someone was coming. "I see Doc," Neil said he's walking around with his arms spread wide and balancing a bottle on his head."

  "Sheeeeit!!" Top Shelf said, "He only does that when he gets hold of unlabeled Panther Piss."

  "I'll get him," Neil said.

  Conductor can't be far behind," Top Shelf said and went off into the dark. He returned leading the big man by the left hand. In his right hand Conductor held a partially empty half gallon jug, unlabeled.

  "What that you two drinkin'?" Top shelf asked and took the jug from Conductor, opened it, took a swallow and stamped his foot."

  "People would pay to see that dance," Conductor said, pointing at Top Shelf."

  "What's wrong with the wine?" Neil asked.

  "It's pure unadulterated monkey shit!" Top Shelf said and poured the remainder on the grass.

  "He handed the empty jug to Doc, "You play this. It got a bass tone."

  "Neil approached Top Shelf, "Why did you dump that stuff?"

  Top Shelf tapped Neil's forehead, "The Tree of Knowledge do grow in the soil of stupidity!. That's pure wood alcohol. Enough of that an you become a blinded pussycat. Hand over that git-fiddle."

  Hesitantly Neil handed the guitar to Top Shelf who caressed it and made short runs first a bit out of sync. He retuned the "A and D" strings then lengthened the runs combining them into a beautiful series of coordinated chord changes. "What do you fellas want to hear?"

  "I' like marchin' music," Conductor said.

  "Neil", Top Shelf said, "Get these rascals into line. Take this baseball hat and collect the money while I lead this quartet of Feather Merchants into the square.

  Top shelf sang the first verse alone,

  "I am just a weary traveler,

  Going through this world of sin,

  Getttin' ready to meet my maker,

  When the Saints come marchin' in.

  Top Shelf led the group into the square and they all sang.

  "Oh when the Saints go marchin' in.

  When the Saints go marchin' in.
r />   Lord I want to be in that number,

  When the Saints go marchin' in.

  Doc sang,

  Oh when the clouds , start rain'in wine,

  When the clouds start rain'in wine,

  Lord I want to have me a barrel

  And you all can come to dine.

  Deacon took the following verse,

  Oh when the sun begins to shine,

  When the sun begins to shine,

  Lord I want to hide in the shadows,

  When the sun begins to shine"

  Conductor followed in a strong baritone,

  And when the moon, has turned to blood,

  And the earth has gone on fire,

  Lord, I want to see that you,

  Are not a goddamned liar?

  "Show time! Show Time!" the ticket seller in the booth shouted, And he shuttered the window. People left the benches and the square emptied except for the five musicians.

  "I need help getting this money," Neil shouted. Doc and Conductor went on their knees picking up coins and even bills Deacon brought his box for everyone to throw the money in. They picked the square clean then gathered around Top Shelf at the base of Charlie Chaplin's statue. They stared into the cardboard box at the pile of bills and coins.

  "Sweet sweet Jesus!" Deacon went down on his knees and began fondling the cash.

  "Must be close to fifty dollars," Neil said.

  "It was the guitar!" Doc said.

  "What we goin' to do first?" Conductor asked.

  "Wine an dine " Top Shelf said.

  "Let me buy somethin'?" Conductor pleaded.

  "Can we have pizza?" Doc asked.

  "What toppin' you want?" Conductor asked.

  "Anchovies an scungilis!" Doc said.

  "What the is scungilis?" Neil asked.

  "Don't know," Doc said, "but it sounds tasty!"

  "Mushrooms and sausage," Top Shelf said.

  "Salami and hot pepper for me," Neil said, "Lots of pepper."

  "Sweet Jesus!" Deacon sang.

  "All out sweet Jesus!" Doc said.

  Conductor tapped his head, "I get it all."

  "I'll buy the wine," Doc said.

  "You stay here and talk to Neil," I don't trust you or Conductor with puchasin' the booze."

  "Hurry back," Doc